I have been going through a lot lately. Stressful situations of myriad varieties and sizes. It has been a doozy of a week, and honestly I might’ve said that about last week before I got to this one. While I hope this isn’t your experience too - I am sure you can all relate, because we are human and being human is hard.
For me, it begs the question of why all of this and why now? I get super curious when things seem like they are all folding in on me. I tend to pay attention more while simultaneously trying to stay buoyed in the swampy waters. As I stood in my kitchen making tortillas today, I was given some insights about this flurry of unease orbiting me.
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I saw how my nervous system is the common denominator in all the things that I am experiencing at the moment. And my sweet nervous system has never not been in reaction mode.
<Insert Screeching Halt> Full tilt stop.
Wait - what? I mean, I have spent so much time working with “reaction versus response”. I have taught about this and practitioned, I have had epiphany moments and applauded others too in their integration of these deep learnings.
“Ah yes, dear human — you have been learning as a person to respond vs react. But your nervous system - she is a different part of all of this. She is like your armor. And she is like your senses all woven together into an ecosystem that receives and processes the world at large. So you - dear person have been retraining your actions and still your nervous system needs an upgrade because she is struggling. She has been on high alert at all times since childhood. Remember how you would work your butt off to create perfect space and do-all-the-things so that you could be safe? You learned the pattern of work-work-work and then you could rest — but obviously the problem with that is that there is always more to do and so you don’t get to rest and burn out comes swiftly in one form or another. Well, the burn out is here.“
“But, the good news is that it is here so that we can give your nervous system the upgrades that it needs.”
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Well there it was, all of it resonating with me — to date, what I have experienced or thought of as response, was not. It was more like being watchfully wary and at-the-ready with counterattack — not sustainable, demanding of resource, and dangerously draining. I am being taught a new way to be with stressors and to let them teach me by allowing them space. It is nothing short of evolutionary. Transforming vigilance into trust is a big deal! And my health depends upon it, my happiness depends upon it + not doing so and staying in reaction keeps me from learning and growing. It literally blocks me from living into my potential. So maybe, just maybe everything is happening because I am going through this up-leveling and deep learning. Excavation and remodeling. If I can learn to be with what is so, I potentially hold the key to a clear path ahead.
This involves trust in the Great Mystery and this involves holding the hand or hands of my small parts that are always on high alert. The ones who ask my kids without thinking if everything is okay!? The ones who hold their breath (& mine), afraid to exhale because that would somehow be rest and let down their guard. The ones who do all-the-work so that everything will be okay, everyone will be happy and they will feel safe. Then I heard the audacious question: “What if I was safe, no matter what was unfolding around me?”
“What if I was safe no matter what was unfolding around me?”
“What if I could trust that everything unfolds exactly as it is supposed to, and that it unfolds for my highest good? What if the universe always has my back?”
Again - I know these things. Like really and truly. But if nothing else - doesn’t this just demonstrate how knowing a thing is not the same as living it. Knowing it is not actualization + there are Layers to all of the knowings! Our brains are so dang smart and they aren’t the kind of knowing that is needed to really get this — it is the heart knowing and the experiential that really brings it home. Maybe this is why things happen in our human lives to necessitate us letting the lessons land, root, and then sprout.
Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash
So I am practicing this now, even in the company of the crises that are arriving at my door. Because there isn't anything I can do right now with worry so I choose to turn that into 2 things: 1) taking action towards the next steps of the situation and 2) trusting the Great Mystery.
I love the creating or re-establishing of this relationship with my nervous system — between my nervous system and my person, acknowledging how the nervous system is experiencing things and being the person who holds space for it. And allows, and ultimately offers safety to the nervous system.
Because the universe is always conspiring in my favor and I am taken care of and safe — no matter what. And whether I have realized this one thousand times or once, it is a welcome safe space to return to — a soft landing pad for my weary parts.
Melissa is a journey Coach, and Spirit Medicine Alchemist. Steeped in both animistic belief as well as witchy alchemy, she weaves them together in one-on-one appointments as well as classes and gatherings. ✨ spiritmedicinealchemy.com
~Melissa, Spirit Medicine Alchemy
Love this story so much!
Well said. So valuable and equally difficult. Thank you for sharing!